when life goes on

For the past months this year, I have really been busy. In fact, I have not seen a lot of old friends for a long time.

Somehow, I don't feel that my life has been treading a dead end. My work isn't ideal. I have a family duty that has to be sustained in a few more months. Or maybe more.

Some of my friends have married/have children. I am single, but I don't have a booming career as a trophy to conceal this deficiency. When I try to look at my life in one angle, it isn't actually that great.

However, in the small corner of my life, things have been going to a positive direction, I guess. I have met a few personalities this year and the previous year who have inspired me directly and indirectly towards my goal in life.

I am slowly turning vegetarian. And that is an important goal. I have less needs and wants. But this does not mean that I am not living my life to the fullest.

Some people conceive incorrectly that when you become a vegetarian or do not get to travel a lot for leisure, is that you are wasting your youth.

First of all, vegetarianism is good for me. I need lesser foods. But more nutritious and favorable. I don't get to ward off diseases 100% by scrapping off meat in my diet, but at least I am taking care of my body that way, and the environment at the same time. It is not that I am sacrificing a lot, and will regret not trying out different foods when I get older.

Look at the older people. For sure they've tasted pork or beef or chicken dishes when they were younger, but they'd risk having high blood (or threat for their current disease) for the day when any of these meat is served. You have no escape. Your tongue will long for the taste.

So, why not scrap meat right now? The taste will haunt you if you try to linger.

Sometimes, I feel sad that I do not have enough money to help my family. Like buy stuff in the house or something. But somehow, I realize, it is alright that I am able to cook food for my family and share to them vegetarian dishes.

It is a problem on my part too to meet old friends who are not vegetarian, I want to share to them the benefits of eating meat-free with gentleness and in a-not-defensive-manner. But I feel left out just thinking about it.

I have friends who are vegetarians themselves and I am happy to get some ideas on cooking.  I always wish to share to my old friends the benefits of scrapping meat, but I am not a good speaker.  I do not want to be self-righteous, but sometimes the conversation gos on that direction.

Oh the rain is coming

Half of the year has already passed, and things that I have been waiting for have not unfolded yet. I think the mid-year often leaves one in the middle of the crossroads: whether to go on or not. But the reality is whether I move forward, back ward, or stay where I am, the world will still keep spinning.

I am not very afraid of what could happen in the future. Still, financial constraints, time constraints, education, and marriage (haha) bother me all at once or one after the other.

Yet, all I have to remember is to perform my rightful duties and remember that I am not entitled to the fruits of actions. Moreover, the season will pass, so as the pains and joys, failures, and victories.

Long Rides

*Re-post from deleted Tumblr blog. on Feb 1, 2013

Sometimes Most of the time it’s not the destination, but the journey itself.”

I don’t know a lot of people who would appreciate a long, hot, and windy ride in a bus.

When we think about traveling, the point is reaching the destination and doing all sorts of things you need to do—be it work or leisure. A destination holds a beautiful spot, an endless thread of activities, familiar faces, or people you would only meet the first time. A destination is a treasure in itself, but it means the end of something too.

I love arriving at an exciting destination (though I don’t get to travel that much), but I like long, smooth and sometimes bumpy ride too. Be it in the highway or a dusty dirt road. Rain or shine. With people I like or alone.

When I was in college I used to ride an old bus traveling to San Mateo-Ayala and vice versa. I would patiently wait for the brown bus in San Mateo going to my school in Manila and find a lonesome seat by the window. I didn’t own an mp3 back then and my only amusement is either drowning myself with the things I pass by or day dreams. Riding back then was a time for me to think. Think about my future and my past, and present too. It was the time for me to formulate plots on plans about urgent things I need to face which was mostly about finances and studies. It was a time for me to forget too, and just sew story about myself in some distant future without all the worries on my back. When I used to travel alone in a lonely bus, I’d cry when I needed to, likewise I pray.

It was liberating. But when I get nearer our house, it was a slow retreat for me to go back to my cage and forget about fictional sojourns. Of love stories that didn’t happen. And what could it have been after college.

I still love long rides now, but some things have changed. My journey is not only from home to school or vice versa. Also, not only a new place I needed to go to for a school project. Sometimes I need to tread an endless highway to face a job assignment. I may go on a journey too for leisure and vacation. Things have become more exciting and challenging. Still for me, there is sheer joy on passing by places I may never set my foot on.

An anticipation of what would come next. A journey in itself is life. And maybe, it’s a preparation too for a more important role we need to play in the universe.  

All the Years

**Some grammar errors may occur. Too tired to proofread now, I just want to write something. Will make corrections later. Some themes do not match, but I just want to write these.

Since 2008, when I started this blog, there have been a lot of things that showed up and went away along my path. That was only (or has already been) five years ago, and career-wise I have not upped so much.

It's a little sad sometimes especially when you hear people's comment about how you could have been better, to dress up more like your age, or to find a job that's more rewarding. (note: mom) But really, why do these things matter?

I sometimes plan to do something about these things, like maybe fix my hair a little, put on a little make up, or try to find another job on the Internet. But for the past two years and more, my attention was caught by something else. Something I know is very important, which I cannot miss in this lifetime.

I even have to give up a lot of meetings with old friends, just to be with new people I've met. But these people, even if I don't know their background, why they are here, what food they like, and the funny moments in their lives, they know who they are, and for some reason, I know them too. Along the way, I feel like we are all trying to gradually get rid of these temporary clothes we are wearing.

It has been a long journey. I hope this is the last one. Even if sometimes my old consciousness is dragging me back to the pits of human life, I still always want to remember my real purpose for crawling and walking along this Earth, and to beat it.

Along the way, pains try to urge me to give up and happiness makes me linger unnecessarily. But I have to realize that both these things are mere seasons in my life, and they need to pass. no reason to dwell on these.

Last year, I planned for things which should have come up at the beginning of the year, but didn't happen. Yet, it's okay, I'll just plan and let things unfold on its own depending on what I deserve. We all deserve something—whether it is good or bad. But in the end, one must hope to get out of the cycle and find their true love.

a figment

Before, when I used to imagine or figure out eternity, it seems so incomprehensible with all those latches attached to me.

But when you realize that you are a product of eternity, that your start is somewhat untraceable, it is easier to carry the pains, or the joys. They are sure to happen in a flash, nothing happens would seem so momentous to you.

Except in relation to Someone Higher and Bigger than all of these, and of course the angels you've met in the journey.

2013 and beyond

Half of the year was already spent. There have been a lot of magical moments that seem to envelope me and protect me from all the dangers of the material dimension. Even though I'm not rich or beautiful, I am slowly realizing, giving up this material identity, and stepping into a higher platform. It's not easy, and it's not instant, but someday, I'm sure I'd be able to understand all these things.

If you slowly come to realize who you are, giving up on things, even pride is easier.

Aloha Marikina

When I was a lot younger, I remember this city as a place often attacked by flash floods during the rainy season. Whenever it would rain for days, I'd expect Marikina to be flooded, where people stay on their roofs for days while waiting for supplies or rescuers.

When my family moved to San Mateo, few years ago, I had the chance to pass by Marikina often. And eventually, this place became a a little piece of haven (yeah) for me. When I was in college, I'd go to Riverbanks mall and stroll with my heart's desires. I used to sing in the videoke rooms all by myself or have a few drinks with college buddies near the river.

One of the most memorable moments I had there was when I was so heartbroken and my best buddy joined me for a walk. We walked around the river, from Riverpark to the mall and back. It was exhilarating but fun. It was 2007 and the new year was approaching. We discovered a church. ran away from lurking evil spirits and waved good bye to a passing boat.

During the holy week of 2009, I went to stroll the length of the river again, this time, with my younger sister. It was noontime and it was so hot.

Marikina is also a good place to buy cheap clothes and shoes. I'd buy clothes from Riverbanks mall and shoes from Marikina market. I also acquire fun in visiting cheap second had stores around Bayan. For books, I'd sometimes go to Mariquinton mall to find some second hand reads. But, I rarely go there.

Another unforgettable I had in Marikina was when I went home walking from Sports Center to Fairlane (?). It was really exhausting, but it was so difficult to get a ride because there was rain the afternoon and it was flooded in some places.

It was also the time when I was obsessed with walking was at the edge of some uncertainties in life.
QC is still my favorite city and Makati and Manila are also good, but there just a lot of things which Markina and I shared.

Recent photos I had at Marikina.

A lonesome (but not really) stroll one Sunday afternoon.

hello, my dragon

I wonder what's gonna be for me this year? Often times I am filled with optimism, plans and paranoia.

It's just that at one time, I'll be overly glad, but scared on the next phase. or maybe I'm just sick of some mysterious, incurable disease that has not been discovered by doctors and scientists.

Please, 2012 let's be friends. I could be scared of dragons, but maybe the world isn't coming to an end yet, I guess. Also, many things are just starting for me.

I'll make plans, but there are Divine pathways too, which I can't take control to make a reroute.

2011 in Tidbits

January:

The first month of the year has been romantic in all sorts. I loved the afternoon colors especially when I talked with God in the Church. The month has been packed with days of anticipation, heartbreaks, tears and financial worries. Still, amidst all these assortments of experiences and emotions, the months passed with great blessings, one of which was my mom's simple celebration of her 53rd birthday.

February:

I turned 24, and along with, I had planned to create a birthday project, originally aiming to gather poems from 24 different people. Only, I wasn't able to complete the set, and instead I came up with 24 Poems and Sorts, with 12 poems from friends, quotes from my favorite books and songs, and some photographs. The project was completed a few months after. And I was elated all throughout the project creation.

I celebrated my birthday at Regalia Hotel along with some office mates. Woke up with text greetings from friends and had breakfast. In the afternoon, my heart jumped with the gentle breeze and bright sun shining. I bought cake for my celebration at home afterward.

March:

It was only late March when I received my first salary for the year. I was ecstatic, but the fun subsided after I spent all the money paying my debts. Whew~ I barely survived the opening of the year, but thank God, everything turned out fine.

April:

I went to Binondo with friends. We had a good walk and food trip.
For the Holy Week, my mom and I went to Binondo again for Visita Iglesia, but we didn't complete the required number of churches, which I forgot.

May:

I treated my family for the Mother's Day.

Mother's Day photo

June:

My sister went to college, and I felt grown up, having to worry about her schooling. So, far, I think I manage to be a responsible sister in terms of providing her allowance.I just don't know if my sister's responsible with her school work.

July:

This was the most thrilling month of the year.
My friend gave birth.
I was so alone and sad during the first days of the month, but I became happier as the days went on.
I went to Zambales and Bacolod during the month, and I attended a seminar. The month ended well, and I learned a secret.

At Potipot Island

August:

I went to Corregidor. I loved the place.
happier days came, despite some problems.

September:

It's raining almost every day. I went to Quezon, and had a photo at the foot of Mt. Banahaw. My life was changed in some aspects, and I'm starting to look at the future with more optimistic eyes.

October:

Finished and released 24 Poems and Sorts.
Attended Sulataktakan.
Attended photography training.

November:

Attended lay-outing training.
Met my old buddy after a long time and we had a meaningful talk. With tears and laughter coming alternately.

December:

The Holidays! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! :)
Everything's gonna be fine. I can feel it.

year-end photo

Five Years Story

Chapter One

hehe, ok.

question,

(xxx) pano mo nakikita ang sarili mo, 5yrs from now?

at ano ang tunay at ultimate mong pangarap para sa sarili mo?

Chapter Two

Ako? 5 years from now, graduate na si (xxx).
ang ultimate kong pangarap? makagrad si (xxx). tas makasama ang pamilya ko sa langit. o kahit ako lang, if ever malimutan ko sila, pero habang nabubuhay ako ay ang maging mas masaya ang bawat taon ko..

Chapter Three

hehe, mukhang stressed na stressed ka sa school ni (xxx) ah.

umuulan ba dyan? hehe.

good afternoon :)

Chapter Four

di naman. pero yun lang naiisip ko. after niya grumaduate, pwede na ko magtour sa ibang bansa. kung may pera. haha.


bat mo naman naisip? magpapakasal ka na ba within 5 years? ehehe.

Chapter Five

nyak. ayoko magkaron ng responsibilidad

gusto ko magstay lang sa bahay at maglaro ng PS3, kahit wala kami nun. 

gusto ko magretire ng maaga.. tas magipon ng pera, para hindi ko na kailangang magtrabaho.

Chapter Six

di ba dapat mag ipon ka muna bago magretire?
ayoko tumigil sa pagtatrabaho. kahit ano. basta dapat may gingawa ako. na paiba iba.

Chapter Seven

ay oo, baliktad pala.
gusto ko mag-ipon, then magretire.
basta, gusto ko maging masaya.
matagal ko ng di nararamdaman yung ganong pakiramdam.
magiging masaya ako, pero saglit lang.
eheh. siguro nega lang ako madalas.

Chapter Eight

nasasaid na siguro ang sense of humor mo.
kailangan mong mag-recharge.


sabi nga nila. happiness is a choice.

Chapter Nine

hmm... true, true.

simple things are beautiful

before the year ends let me remind myself of the simple, beautiful things that made me happy:

writing snail mails.

receiving snail mails.

cold water.

breezy afternoon.

chatting with a long lost friend.

watching free movies.

reading children's book

being early at work.

trying to speak another language

day dreams

good (night) dreams

taking good pictures

dyeing my mom's hair

writing a birthday card

going to a happy worship

eating with (a) loved one(s)

accepting your weaknesses, while working on it

biking under the hot summer sun

having enough money during the weekend.

public transportation

eating cheap ice cream.

arriving on a sound decision

listening to your favorite song

overhearing a favorite song while walking

seeing someone you like chewing a bubblegum while on the bus stop

walking around (walkathon)

sleeping early and waking up early ( hope I could do this more often)

exhaustion

I've learned that there are two kinds of exhaustion:

1.      the Good kind. Just like what you feel after a well-needed exercise, or after trekking the mountain trails for hours. You definitely feel tired and sweating, but you feel great, knowing that you leaked out fats and gained stamina etc. Also, you get the feeling of accomplishing something.

2.      and the Bad kind. It’s when you are not doing anything, but you suddenly get tired of everything that surrounds you. The people, things and events. They drain your energy and burn your heart. (this is what I exactly feel right now…)  >:

Loneliness

A re-post from Ala Paredes's blog: ala's dos. I have the same thoughts too, and I'm just mesmerized how she managed to brilliantly put her mind into words. ^^

Spent the day in the city today and the I feel that the heaviness hanging over me loosened its choke hold a little. It helped that I was with one of my dearest friends in the world who is always such a kind, loving, accepting presence, and who makes me laugh over silly things.
Being alone too often is not good for people who easily fall into melancholy like me. It has been my disposition since birth. I’ve learned to accept it as a quirk of my character and it’s something I don’t take too seriously. Moods come and go.
But things can get out of hand.
Everyday, I do my freelance work in my house alone. I wake up to a quiet house. I eat lunch alone. At 3 PM, I go for my coffee break alone. I cook and eat dinner alone listening to the ticking of the clock. On Sundays I go out for my special Sunday lunch, alone.
I’m awake 6 hours earlier than the only person I live with. By the time he wakes up, I’m either out doing afternoon errands, or he needs to rush to work. By the time he gets home I’m asleep.
The only human voices I actually hear are the telemarketers trying to sell me carpet shampoos or solar energy or whatever.
Thing with loneliness is that it’s easy to reverse its effects when ingested in small doses. Call your friend. Go on Facebook. Send a text message.
But in large doses, it can really grind away at you. Dark thoughts prey on you. Small fears become big, paralyzing fears. You nit-pick. You doubt yourself at every turn. You become disoriented. Your self confidence starts eroding away. It becomes pretty easy to feel that there is no human warmth in your life. Only Twitter and Facebook and all the other silly things we use to numb ourselves and feel like we’re all close even though we never have real conversations.
Dramatic much? It happens when you’re alone all the time, and are predisposed to melancholy.
I’ve become dull, and overly serious, and my sense of humor doesn’t come out to play very often. I don’t laugh very often. Joy comes only occasionally, and in a faint drizzle. What do you laugh about when you’re alone all the time? And when you do start laughing when you’re alone, it means you’ve finally gone crazy.
Not good for my mental health. Maybe the isolated life of a freelancer isn’t for me. Or maybe I’ve been carrying around big questions and now that I’m alone all the time, I can no longer ignore them.

Waiting

Still, waiting overdue is unexciting.

You see, no matter how you think about a situation, unless you do something about it, nothing will change.

Act. Now. On your dreams. And other stuff you have to face.

Things come and go.

I can't believe this! For the first time this year I'm having a financial problem, mainly because of two reasons: the turtle-paced government system and failure of technology. Ha-ha.

August, you're such a disaster. But, you're making this a challenge for me to move forward with bigger and stronger strides. Let's see then who's gonna win, then. pfft!

err...

Can't find anything interesting around lately. Not until today.. though I feel idle most of the time.. A lot of things are keeping me motivated.

1.)My friend Mary Ann never tires to inspire me and keep me moving..=)

2.) Got my photos developed and scanned. All of them were not very great, but I'm satisfied anyway..I got some decent photos.yeah!^^

3.) I woke up and just felt this will be a wonderful week..

Aja!

Do I smell good luck and blessings?

It's bliss.